Adopting the Older Child

Dr. H’s article on precocious puberty is featured as a cover story for the April 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine.

Though this is not the usual purview of this site, I mention this news item (see newspaper article here for details) because one of the services offered at the agency in question is help with adoption disruption, re-homing, and adoption from disruption (a source for the adoption of older children).

According to Rick Armon of the Akron Beacon Journal, the charges against this agency are serious:

”This case involves an adoption agency that is unwilling or unable to keep track of the children within its care”…A Child’s Waiting got into trouble with regulators last year after amassing numerous violations, including placing a child in an uncertified foster home and not documenting background checks. At the time, the state said the violations also included a pattern of sloppy paperwork in the adoption process.

After a brief respite, I’m back!

What should you expect from a parenting mentor? A role model. Success in action. Not all the mentor’s parenting solutions will fit you or your family. Successful parenting is very kid- and parent- specific.

While a support group is the place to hash things out, to have some “group think” about issues that have come up, a parenting mentor is best used for inspiration and for asking questions and listening to the answers. The mentor is, after all, in the game—and winning. Mentors are not one size fits all. If your mentor doesn’t fit, thank them and move on to another.

In other words, a parenting mentor is like a teacher and should be treated as such. A support group, also vitally important, is a group of equals trying to muddle through it together. Some in a support group will have more experience than others. That’s okay. The setting of a support group makes it an appropriate space to express real feelings (good and bad), to admit mistakes (we’ve all made them), and to brainstorm.

The wonderful thing that a mentor can provide is a view into what’s possible. When overwhelmed with the needs of your own children, a brief trip to your mentor’s house can offer a view into another style of parenting and/or organization and can provide an alternative. The focus in conversations with a mentor should be on helping you to deal with pressing issues and provide information so that you can parent more effectively. And if a friendship should arise, all the better!

In a perfect world, all who adopt older children would be matched immediately with both a parenting mentor anda support group of others who have adopted older children. But no matter, you can orchestrate these things for yourself. It is you and your family, after all, that will reap the rewards!

Why don’t older children come with mentors?

It seems sensible that the complexities and unknowns of older child adoption will present challenges that most families will face for the first time. Why not pair families and place an experienced family that has adopted and parented an older child for years with a family new to older child adoption?

Does this not seem common sense?

Sometimes I wonder why adoption agencies do not recognize the vast, unfilled need for post-placement services for older child adoption.

So what’s a family to do?

Find yourself a mentor. Where? Try these places:

• Read the blogs of those who have successfully adopted older children and send them a private email asking if they’d be willing to mentor you or if they know of anyone who’d be willing.
• Ask your adoption agency–admittedly, many agencies won’t be responsive, but it’s worth a try.
• If you belong to an adoptive parent support group, ask a member you respect.
• Join a yahoo group or other online forum and ask.
• This may sound counterintuitive, but go to a re-homing website, a site that connects families considering disruption with families who’d like to adopt from disruption. Many experienced parents lurk there (and child collectors as well, so be savvy)…email the site owners. Post a comment. Ask, ask, ask.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about what to expect from a parenting mentor and why a parenting mentor is different from belonging to a support group.

How to deal with the looming summer vacation? It pays to have a plan. Think about a public school teacher or a homeschooling parent. What do they have in common? A plan.

Think about the summer vacation in terms of two week segments. If the kids will be at summer camp, try and organize an activity/event/outing every two weeks they can both look forward to and use to mark time. If the kids are at home, it is even more crucial to plan and plan well. Although it may seem like a lot of work, having certain activities associated with certain days will nip chaos (and bad behavior) in the bud. The following are example meant only to provide some ideas. Tailor the examples to fit your family’s needs.

Mondays: Monday house chores, weed garden, morning free play for one hour, lunch, quiet time after lunch for 30 minutes (naps for little ones, reading for older ones), then another scheduled activity for a specific time period, then back outside, etc.

Tuesday: Maybe Tuesday is science day: conduct a morning science experiment or work on a science project, head outside, read a story about science or write some observations, etc. Theme days work very well and can help kids learn while having fun.

Wednesday: Art day. Start the day with chores, then draw or paint for a pre-determined period of time before heading outside for 45 minutes of free play followed by lunch and quiet time.

Thursday: Music day.

Friday: Kids’ Choice. One child can choose the Friday theme.

Consider making a master schedule and simply changing the themes each day so that the children know when they’ll be transitioning to a new activity. This is especially helpful for children who have trouble with change.

Rigid scheduling is often the best helper the parent of a new older child has. Summer will flow along far smoother than if children are left to their own devices. Plan now for a happy summer.

Adoption Today magazine has gone completely digital…no more paper. Personally, I applaud this. While I’m a fan of books and magazines that I can hold in my hand, the current cost of publishing makes that increasingly difficult. It is clear that Adoptive Families magazine and Adoption Today have chosen very different ways to deal with the rising costs of publishing. Adoptive Families has broadened their coverage to include reproductive technology and embryo adoption and now takes advertising that reflects this change. Adoption Today has remained stalwart in its mission and changed formats from paper to digital, saving a few trees along the way.

Easy activities to keep the kiddos busy:

nature walk–have kids walk with you outside and then come back in and draw what they saw and discuss.

build robots from “trash”–collect whatever recycling/trash is about…old milk cartons, bits of paper, etc. and make robots. The great thing about this project is you can really use anything.

Have each child come up with a list of questions to ask another person. This works especially well with out of town relatives. Have the child interview the relative and then report on them.

Create a family story. Start out with “When I grow up I want to…” and go around the table. Everybody adds something to the story. The scribe writes all the answers (or better yet, get it on video!) and then reads it aloud.

read a story/book out loud–can be enjoyable even for older kids

Play “clean the garage”. My children argue that this is not technically a game, but I’m the mommy and I say so. Have the kids complete specific, age-appropriate tasks designed to help clean up one part of the house, with a desirable reward at the end, such as playing a video game.

Make a crown for each family member (out of whatever you have) and address each other as royalty for a designated period of time. It’s remarkable how much nicer kids can be to their fellow princes and princesses!

This list is only intended to get you started. I keep a list of activities taped to the inside of a kitchen cabinet, ready to go.

Some of you have this week off for vacation…kids in the house, all week long…or in a relative’s house. Opportunities for misbehavior abound!

Make a list of things the kids can do…things that would be appropriate, given the setting, and that you have all the supplies/parts/pieces for. When frazzled and exhausted after a day of chasing kids, it’s a lot easier to simply look at a list for inspiration rather than trying to think up something to keep them occupied.

Tomorrow, I’ll list some suggestions…

On April 7, NPR did a piece on international adoption entitled Why Did You Opt for International Adoption on Talk of the Nation.

Guests:

Isolde Motley, co-author of You Can Adopt, and mother of one biological child and two adopted children

Susan Soon-Keum Cox, vice president of public policy and external affairs for Holt International

You can listen to the half hour piece here. They are interested in hearing from those who have adopted internationally.

Should you be celebrating Easter this weekend with a new older child, here are some tips to help make it an enjoyable day for the whole family:

Less is more. Keep the Easter baskets modest so as not to overwhelm and overstimulate.

Easter egg hunts: consider assigning each child or participant in the hunt their own color and having them collect only the eggs of their assigned color. This can help cut down on the ruthless competitiveness that new older children sometimes display. It will also cut down on fighting and complaints of “It’s not fair”.

If your new older child has never celebrated Easter the way that you do, consider asking them to contribute one fun holiday idea, be it a dish they’d like to eat or an activity they’d like to do. If this would overwhelm them, pose the question as “Would you like to have injera/tamales/rice/etc. with Easter dinner?” as an example, making a simple suggestion and giving the child power to accept or veto. Allowing the new child a sense of control around holidays events and/or menus can help ensure they feel included.

And if Easter is not your holiday, enjoy a peaceful weekend!